I Am a Fool

I finally passed my Driving Test, on the 3rd attempt. Not without a lesson taught though. It came across as just another one of those familiar tests we all took, and we all know how many tests and examinations we have gone through as Singaporean students in a Singaporean education system. Not surprisingly, army also has its fair share of tests as well. And it is a very simple thing really: do your best, pass or fail.

Or is it that simple?

I have never quite remember how I dread any tests at all in my life. Perhaps I was a bit nervous during those oral examinations, but that too, did pass away. It is not the disappointment I hate either, since they are not new to me. Or at least I could forgive myself if I had put in some real effort. My reason this time was simple: get it over and done with, lest anyone should judge me again.

I thought I should never have to contend with those insulting remarks made to me anymore by my trainer. I know he teaches well, but the way he hurls those remarks are not welcome. I know I am not perfect either, and I make mistakes. And I know the reason why he wanted me to pass so badly is because he could make some extra income out of it. On another day the thought of puposefully denying him that money did creep into my mind, but alas, it was an evil thought. I should do well in whatever God places me to do. Furthermore, if I did pass, I do not have to face him anymore.

Since I came into army, I have been able to tolerate those nonsense thrown at me. I have been able to tolerate the holier-than-thou attitude some people display, or the fact that they sound and behave so morally superior to us (only to display their inconsistencies a minute later). What became a pain to me, though, was to face the continuous rattling of insults. Nothing hurts more than repetition. And one of my platoon mates sums it up best: "I came from a place where people say 'excuse me, please, thank you.' Not 'F*** you.'" My sentiments exactly.

Forget that intellectual Derrick. There was nothing intellectual about him. It was simply his alter ego to try to sound smart. The real him, though, is weak. The intellectual one knows what to do, the real one doesn't.

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And so the evil Derrick prayed that he would pass. The first time, the second time. Both times the good Lord denied him that 'pass' he wanted. Perhaps his motivation was wrong. Thus he was to face his trainer with that dread again for more remedial driving lessons. More mistakes. More insults. More toleration. Perhaps what God wanted to do was to instil that little patience and love that he was so seriously lacking.

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The third test. Yet another evil thought crept into my mind. I began to doubt if God really works for the good of those who love Him. What an heinous thought! When people are wondering the same question with regards to suffering and evil, this fool was asking in the matter of the most trivial of things! Immature brat.

Alas, I knew the evil of my own heart, as God has revealed to me.