"If you fail, at least you fail gloriously."

Yesterday's Culture meeting was fruitful. I have been thinking about the plan for weeks, and yesterday I went to meet OCH and the rest half-heartedly, because I know yet again I have produced close to nothing but very brief, undeveloped ideas. I went there prepared that if I were to be rebuked, I would not raise a squeak of a sound to defend myself. I would have absolutely deserved it.

I have been thinking of leaving the initiative, one which I believe requires a lot of faith and optimism about social change more than anything else. I, on the other hand, am terribly ill-suited and may I say, absolutely disqualified, given my rigid pessimism about how a group of youths can actually change deeply-rooted values and laws in society. In fact, I was close to telling OCH yesterday that I don't really believe we can change our society (at the risk of sounding rebellious and biblically unsound.) The optimism to believe that we can really change things, is the key characteristic for someone leading this initiative. Not creativity. Not good planning. Not ability to be relevant. Not fantastic leadership. Though all those are very important. But the key, without which abundant creativity, intellect, leadership can never make this work, is the deep belief that we can do something about it.

A part of me retorts inwardly, "Can we, really?"

I believe, until yesterday, I have almost given up on that belief. I have found myself dwelling in the realm of ideas for too long, that I asked myself, "When am I going to do something concrete?" Something tangible. Solid. Something that people and the society can see and react in agreement or disagreement. And I fully agree with OCH that Reformed Theology never stays in the realm of ideas, but is supported by solid action. Look at how Calvin transformed Geneva, how Schaeffer transformed L'Abri. So when OCH brought up the aspects of Understanding, Countering and Actions, I smiled. Because I realised I have the same idea and direction as him, though I have to say I feel extremely limited in what I can do.

At one point I remarked that things like prostitution has been here for so long, and in so many countries, and suggested perhaps all we could do is write some pitiful letters which will most probably be overlooked. OCH replied, "We can write letters..."

I know at that moment, that is the difference between him and me. That is sheer optimism. Which I lack.

And so I thought of Andy Defresne. He wrote a letter every week for six years and finally he got himself a library in Shawshank Prison. And he continued writing, and the funds finally came in. He got a grand library nobody would have ever dreamt of before he came. I know that's fiction, but I wish I have the spirit of Andy.

Somewhere in March this year, after the Initiative presentations, I received feedback from OCH, QL and James that I was very convincing. Perhaps 'convincing' means lying through my teeth. I wonder how much of what I said really came out of my own convictions. And that, I am terribly ashamed of myself.

Perhaps my mind and my heart are out of place. Deep in my mind I know what is the right thing to do. But in my heart, I lack that faith to carry it forward. Or perhaps I disallowed myself the option to fail and see instead only a giant step that I could not reach, and that led to my discouragement.

"Do you dare to dream, brother?" OCH asked. He reminded me of Martin Luther King. I said nothing and only managed a smile. I was about to say, "What if I fail?" when he said, "Even if we fail, we fail gloriously."

I realise much of my inability to create something solid for this initiative is my lack of faith, for one, and my incapability to allow failure to happen. As such, I worry about relevance. I worry about talking too high for the students to catch. I worry about dryness of the topics. I worry about the audience's response.

How about allowing yourself to fail, Derrick?

And fail gloriously at that.

Yes, yes. I think I can do that.