A Good Problem?

Ever since that day I decided I wanted to go Chemical Engineering course at NUS (and which subsequently I was admitted into) I have been thinking whether I had made the right choice. I have no doubt that it is my interest, and apart from an engineering course I would have readily considered Science. I mean, what is there not to like about God's wonderful mathematics and physics and chemistry? The only reason is I can hardly say I do well in those two subjects, but given a chance, hopefully I will learn them with all my might, though I foresee I might very well struggle in them.

And that is precisely the reason why the course is giving me doubts. People around me have been discouraging me (indirectly of course) when they say it is an extremely demanding course to be in. I concur, given that I may well have to compete with top students in Asia, as well as, possibly Medicine rejects, who are certainly cleverer than me, to say the least. The thing is, I don't mind being the lousiest in a course which I would find myself enjoying doing.

But I hate the struggling. I remember how I stuggled with Physics in my JC 2 years. JC 1 was okay, but when I reach my second year I realized what a weak foundation I had in Physics, and I literally spent the whole year struggling with 'D's, 'E's and 'O's. In fact, my prelim result was a disappointing 'O'. It screamed at me to drop the subject before my other subjects suffer because of it. But it so happened (thankfully, now that I see on hindsight) that I was not allowed to drop the subject as it was too late, and with only one month to go, I can only hope, and of course, work doubly hard to make it good again. Come to think about it, if I had been allowed to drop the subject, I will never know why I was weak at it. It wasn't the teacher's fault. It wasn't the notes' fault. The problem lies with me.

The end result was rather surprising. I obtained a 'B' grade for my A's. It wasn't excellent, but I was satisfied and delighted. I understood, that it wasn't my stupidity or inability to comprehend the physic concepts when I was in JC2. It was simple: I was slacking the whole year long! And when I finally put my mind to it in the last one month before my A levels, I realize I could do well in it. Thus I hate the struggling, but when I say I hate it, then I hate myself for allowing myself to struggle in the first place. Because I was slacking.

Now the same thing comes again, and I know I will struggle in that course. Thus, I will make a resolute 'no' to slacking anymore once I get into the course, and give myself no more excuses.

Unless, of course, I shall make any changes to the course I am taking...and perhaps change to Science course. I ahve another year to make up my mind. I really do not know if I want to be a teacher or engineer or researcher - for now. Maybe I will try to get a relief teaching job after my NS to see if I am suited to teaching. Maybe. But whatever I am, I know my future is in God's control. Whatever course I am in, whatever university I am in, God's will is that I put my utmost best in the place where He puts me into, and glorify Him in whichever I do.

In this, I am tremendously comforted.