Too Heavy to Bear

I have heard many stories before I enter NS. I remember people were telling me some ugly stuff about the people there. Some said I'd better write my names on everything (including underwear) because the people there might just steal it. Well, I have had eight months of experience in NS, and I had not seen any thieves yet nor lost anything yet, though I had only heard of one incident that happened to a platoon mate. I am even confident enough to leave my wallet and handphone in the bunk and be assured that no one will take it.

Does that mean that people are getting better? Does that mean that people are getting more morally upright?

I guess not. People are still as selfish as can be. That, I believe, is the root sin that plagued those thieves, and even people nowadays, even if they do not steal. Everywhere I go, the doctrine of total depravity screams at me. Everytime I am inclined to think that people are not so bad, the doctrine of sin screams at me. Sure, I am suffering less effects of sin now, probably due to education. People around me are either A level or Diploma holders. Education, however, can never solve the root problem. Everytime I write a GP essay in my JC days, it is always education this, education that. Because that is what the markers want to see. I get high marks for explaining that education can solve things. Fact is, I don't believe in it. At all.

The root problem remains, with or without education.

Teamwork and integrity are actually very simple things to achieve. Yet people naturally only want to work for their own gains and benefits, and teamwork is only achieved when either it is forced upon them, or when there are benefits for the entire group. People do not admit mistakes when they know they will not be caught.
I get frustrated at these people. They are not being hardworking. They are not being honest. They only want to gain things for themselves, and do not want to listen to any advice or criticisms given. They act like the world revolves around them. They act like everyone owes them something. They act like they don't need criticisms.

I have a huge responsibility. I am a Christian. I know I am in that place, with those people because God put me there. I know I am supposed to live with it. But most importantly, I am supposed to influence. I remember making two resolutions for the start of the year. One, to survive NS physically. This is easy, and I consider it done. Two, to survive NS spiritually. This is not easy. I am not talking about taking the bible out and reading it regularly. It is not so trivial. I am talking about influence.

How can I influence people when I tell them to do the right thing and the immediate answer is 'for what?' How can I influence people when I criticize and the criticism are fallen unto deaf ears? How do you want me to teach greater truths? How do you want me to reprimand, to rebuke, to call unto repentance? How do you want me to tell them they need a Saviour?

It is a very hard responsibility. I get frustrated when Andrew said his platoon asked him about Christianity readily. I just wish it was so simple. I just wish they would ask, and I would gladly tell them all I know. But as of right now, they do not need anything from anyone.

People Will Stare At You

I've been thinking about this. Growing up is so scary. I think it happens whenever your age is going to hit a new multiple of 10. You get scared when you are 29, reaching 30. Or 39, reaching 40, and so on and so forth. I'm 19 this year. Strangely though, I have never felt anything different or scary when I was 9.

Look, suddenly I am not supposed to be childish anymore, or act childlike anymore. Look, suddenly I should not play around so much anymore but be serious in my life. Look, suddenly I am going to be an adult, or at least act like one.
Look, suddenly I have newfound responsibilities.
Because if I do all that, people will stare at me.

And I don't like that feeling.

From,
Ball N Biscuit
who is growing old.

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I have been asking some poly friends what they are going to do after NS. Some say they don't know, some say still thinking. And they are like, 22 years old. I don't want to be this undecided when I reach 22 years old, man. I don't feel comfortable leading a life with no sense of purpose, not knowing what you are going to do. I mean, I have a purpose, but it seems I am still undecided what I want to do in the future. Part of me just want to stay in this beautiful country and lead an ordinary life, just like everyone else. The other part of me wants to get out and do something not so ordinary.

Running

Ran, (ok, casual jogged) 10km just now at East Coast with my unit. Clocked at a time of 60:02. I think its still acceptable, lah...mai hiam buay pai. And back at cookhouse, all ravenous and hungry and famished, our brains telling us that we need to eat right now, I realized something. Sometimes I thank God for the food with much more appreciation, when I am really hungry, than when I'm not. Why this hypocrisy? Another word came to my mind: Situation. God gives different situations because Man responds to them. Sometimes a 'bad' situation will bring us to a better appreciation of God's graces. It's simple truth really. But sometimes we all need to re-learn it.

I have been asking a serious question seriously to some of my friends. They give me answers as though I had not done any slight thinking, or applied any slight logic to it (or at least this is what appears to me). Sorry to those I bothered with my rigid questioning. Without questions, there are no answers, without which no basis, without which, no consistency. Many things sound so simple (too simple, and if something is too simple, there is chance we have been taking it for granted), yet profound truths lie behind them.

And something very interesting happened in camp. A platoon mate was delivering a speech about his 'universal and invariant theory of self-interest'. Of course, he was half-joking, and it was the manner we took it. Universal because it applies to everyone across all cultures. Invariant because the theory can withstand the test of time. Self-interest, he claims, is the driving force of the humankind. He then argues that everyone has self-interests, and this phenomenon can be used to explain things like double standards (which happens very frequently in army). While almost everyone jeered at his idea, trying to oppose his theory of self-interest, I merely smiled and listened, realizing the unintentional and uncanny resemblance to the doctrine of sin. Sin, is like self-interest. Sometimes sin is defined as self-centredness. Sin is universal, and surely it is also 'invariant' as in it has affected, affects and will affect mankind. Interesting, isn't it?

Engineers

Engineers in other countries work because they want to contribute to humankind.

Engineers in Singapore work because they want to be rich and comfortable.

The Milo Conspiracy

People just love conspiracy theories, man. Nothing wrong with that, but it is sad when they take it to be the truth instead of what is commonly established. But wait a minute, conspiracy theories are so-called because it is against what is commonly established. Everyone loves Da Vinci Code.

And just like, I had a platoon mate who believes that the Americans did not land on the moon. According to one particular documentary, the Americans had staged the act back in the 1960's to gain some advantage against the Soviets during the Cold War. The first time I heard this theory is from a JC friend. Just do some googling and you will know the truth.

Then of course, there is the Abu Gharib incident. People claimed that the video is faked, or at least the victim was already dead when he was beheaded by the terrorists, because blood is supposed to spurt out of his neck, but it didn't. I didn't watch the video. Don't dare :)

And most recently, that the U.S of A government was the one who masterminded the entire 9/11 incident. There was a conspiracy website on this, which I didn't even bothered to research whether its true or not. Because if I did so, I would be very busy trying to verify everything.

If any conspiracy theorist disagree, then first answer MY conspiracy theory:

Why is the Milo we drink never as good as those we buy? Conspiracy.

Sometimes

There are just things that are too personal to say here. Something sad happened at home just now. Sad enough to make a 19 year old man weep. Now I am inclined to think that the happy person I meet is probably just putting on a brave front. Beyond that smile may be a person hurt emotionally, or facing troubles that he cannot resolve.

God, if You are listening.. Refresh me, for I am tired. I can do nothing. I hope things change for the better.

3 SIGNAL BATALLION

Adjusting to life at 3 SIG...been a while since army looks and sounds like army again. Officers and sergeants shout at you. "Nevermind, whole lot, knock it down. Down, down, down, down, down. Don't know how to count together right? Want to be selfish right? Nevermind, crunches position change! Up, up, up, up, up....." Whoohoo! I feel like a recruit again! Though I still don't understand why they always tell you, 'Nevermind'. And then they knock you down. It gives us hope when they said 'nevermind'.

Went for SOC familiarisation. I knew there was something wrong with my technique, the reason for my SOC (standard obstacle course) downfall at BMT. This time in 3 SIG, I managed to do the Low Rope with ease. The reason?

"Use your master leg to hook the rope."

That's it! So simple! Why didn't I think of that? I realized I had used my non-master leg to hook when I was a recruit...no wonder I can't do it. The rope just wasn't tight enough, and I always slip down. And maybe, it's because my arm power has improved. Then I could do zero chin ups, now, easily 8-10. Swing trainer also became a breeze. Gone are those big scary blisters (sometimes filled with blood underneath), because now I am pretty thick-skinned :)

Also had two 5km runs to prepare for our upcoming Army Half Marathon (12km). I realized my stamina sucks because the last time I truly ran was, like, 3 months ago. Gotta do some running in the weekends.

PC interview. I told him I failed my IPPT in BMT because of my chin ups. Now he wants me to aim for Gold (silver is quite easy), which requires at most a 9:44 timing for 2.4km run. Haha....quite impossible. I have never beaten the 11 minute mark. Instinctively I told him, 'Cannot....' He stared at me. I then hastily continued, '....un-unless I train hard.' Then he told me to train during weekends. Thanks ah!

My platoon is very prone to injuries. One got injured during Physical Training, another one during SOC, and the most idiotic is yours truly, who fell down and hurt his knee during a soccer match. Superficial wound though.

And then we had our water paraade cheer. Inspiration is drawn from our OC's daily safety messages. It goes:

"Safety You and I; Never Close One Eye
Water Is For You and I; Don't Drink All will Die!"

Before There Was Superband...

There was good O' Rock and Roll. Youtube is such a fun place to explore.




"I'll never dance with another, oh.. when I saw her standing there..."

I have not heard all the Beatles songs, but enough to compile my top 10 list of my favourites Beatles songs:

1. While my guitar gently weeps
2. Let it be
3. Hey Jude
4. Yesterday
5. I saw her standing there (video above)
6. In my life
7. All you need is love
8. Here comes the sun
9. And I love her
10. Don't let me down

Small Small World

Today I went to watch Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift with JC friends. Didn't want to go actually, in fact I replied in SMS that I wasn't interested to watch the show. Afterall, what kind of plot can there be? Win a race and get the loser's girl? Crap. But I did go eventually, just so to spend some time with those old friends of mine, nevermind the lousy movie. I remember Mr Lim's talk on time management. When he said he would watch a lousy movie because he had no other time to do so on another occasion with his friend or relatives, I can so identify with him. I would give the movie, like, half a star, for their effort (which is not very much) It's like Initial D, and though I have never watched the first two parts of Fast and Furious, I can assume it is the same lah. Cars turning and drifting all the way through the movie, only in different settings. Drift in the city. Drift in a carpark. Drift in the mountains. Movie ends. Yawnz. The repetition is so obvious that I asked one of them halfway through, 'Got Jay Chou in this movie?', to which the reply goes, 'Got lah. We watching Initial D what.' Point taken.

Met quite a few people today. Met Jesslin before the show. She said hi. I waved back. Didn't know what to say, and she looked like she's in a hurry. Haven't changed much since secondary school days. Then met Elin after the show. I think she has changed a lot since I know her in secondary school. Met Daryl, who's going for a movie. Funny he came all the way to Tampines, think he stayed in Bishan or something. Then met Erina, a primary school friend, whom I used to sit beside. She was talking to Jianyong at first, then suddenly turned to me and exclaimed, 'Derrick!' I looked at her for a few seconds. I knew I know her, and was trying to recall her name. Carina? Macarena? Ok. Erina. She's going to NUS too. Funny how she knew Jianyong who knew me and I knew her and also Thiam Aik whom we knew, knew the friend next to her. It's a very small world.