The Meaninglessness of Modern Dilemmas

I met Kenrick's parents in the lift yesterday. Talked for about 20 seconds in the lift. I was terribly uncomfortable, with each question I was asked. I did not know what to say to them. It's the kind of situation where you know that people appear alright but deep down there is much grieving and hurt suppressed. It always happen; happened to me as well. Pretending to appear strong when deep down we are mourning and still partly refusing to accept fate. The more a person seemed to have acknowledged something contrary to what we can humanly perceive of an All-Benevolent Giver, the more I feel uneasy.

Parents: Where are you working now?
Me: Oh, as a relief teacher.
Parents: Where?
Me: Pasir Ris Sec.
Parents: Oh, going full time ah?
Me: Nono, still need to go study first.
Parents: He got university.
Me: Ya, need to go university first.
Parents: So next time can be teacher lah...
Me: Haha, still thinking about it..

And the lift opened, and we parted our ways. What struck me was the meaninglessness of such modern dilemmas.

People like us always want to look troubled, always want to be pitied because we are in some kind of a 'big' dilemma. JC or Poly? Study or work? Teacher or Engineer? Science or Arts? Degree or Honours? C6 or A1? 16 points or 8 points? Nokia or Eriksson? Nike or Adidas?

I felt so ashamed speaking about these things to Kenrick's parents. They have just lost their only son, and here I was talking about my bloody dilemmas. Here am I talking about what to do in the next few years of my future, when someone already had his future taken away.

I was telling myself, "Stop wasting your life away, you idiot!" right after our conversation.

God gave some people dilemmas, and by these dilemmas He had shown much grace to us, especially bestowing such 'good problems' like those the majority of us have. We ought not to appear sad, but rather thankful. Some people do not even have such an opportunity.

God simply took them away.

Stop wasting your life away.

Tribute to Kenrick

My friend and neighbour, Kenrick, has passed away. He was 17 years old.

I remember I used to play soccer with him while I was still in secondary school. We played soccer downstairs. That was before the Playgroup was built at my void deck. Usually I would play alone, and sometimes he would join me.

I was never close to him. I have been to his house like two or three times, and that's about it. After that I went to JC and to army, and I seldom meet him anymore, only we would say hi and goodbye when we met in the lift.

He is always remembered as a well mannered and obedient child.

This show us how vulnerable life is. Many times we do not like to think about deep issues concerning our eternal life, but avoid it as we may, it always remains the most important question Man has to answer. One who has found the answer is a truly wise man. The greatest question under the sun. Where am I going? This is a question that the greatest philosopher cannot answer. So somehow Man has given up answering it. He thinks that by avoiding the question, he may explain it away. But explaining away is not the same as explaining it. Man still has no answer is his own ignorance. The best he can do is to believe, with great faith that would shame the religious, that it is not his turn soon. At least not today, so let him enjoy one more day of ignorance.

Yet none of us has any security or assurance that nothing will happen to us tomorrow. That is how vulnerable Man is, as much as he likes to think that he is powerful, wise, intelligent and independent.

Do we know where we are going?

Am I able to say, with Fanny Crosby,

For I know whate'er befall me
Jesus doeth all things well.

Day 19: A Gruelling Three Hours

Today is perhaps the most difficult day as a teacher so far. Mr Tan is on leave, so that leaves me with the rascals of 2A1. Alone. Add this to the fact that immediately after the 3 period nightmare with them, I had to teach one of the best class in English for 2 more periods. I was praying for mental energy to last the entire stretch of lessons. Nothing particularly makes sense here, but well, that's the work I had to do. And my friend and colleague remarked, "Hey, you have been preparing the lesson since last week!"

That was a very acute observation. Indeed I had... I had even gone as far as practising how to project my voice and reading several portions so I do not stumble in class. That was the extent in preparing to teach the best class. I had to make the lesson interesting (since I was given very boring topics that if I was still a student I would fall asleep) using powerpoint slides, take into account the time that I need to engage the students, which is always a constant struggle whether I'm preparing for school or preparing for bible studies, since I have an atrocious judgment of time. But all was well, since I usually over-prepare than under-prepare.

And indeed thank God all was well today. 2A1 was noisy as usual, and utterly disruptive. I think I scolded them like 30 times over the one-and-a-half hour. I was very disappointed that I was unable to control the class, and most of them had shown no respect towards me despite my efforts. Somehow English to them was periods where they can play and have fun... though I was pleasantly surprised and encouraged by the minority who bothered to listen and participate in the lesson. And I told myself, for these few students, I will persevere on!

And so I was telling my colleague, that the Secondary Twos are the worst batch to teach. The Sec 1s would be scared of you since they are in a new environment and do not know what you could do to them; while the Sec 3s have outgrown their childishness and playfulness such that you could talk to them like young adults. The Sec 2s, unfortunately, are in the middle, not quite reaching that state of maturity yet, yet no longer as easily intimidated as before, and always trying to test how far they can break the rules and test our patience.

Back to that 3E class. I was very encouraged that they managed to participate well in my lesson, though it was a boring subject. Much of the interest came from my powerpoint slides, where there were humourous examples related to cooking, simply by using the names of the students in my class and deliberately using them as examples contary to their personalities. The result was hilarious. Miss Tan feedbacked that they enjoyed it. Yay! Thanks be to God!

So overall, today was a tiring - in fact the most exhausting day yet, yet also the most fulfilling day so far.

Classroom Tactics

After almost three weeks, every relief teacher agrees that it is so much easier being a student than being a teacher.

1. "Cher, how old are you?"
2. "Cher, you ex-student ah?"
3. "Cher, how long you staying here?"
4. "Cher, are you going to teach us?"
5. "Cher, you got girlfriend?"
6. "Cher, where you live?"

Haha, so funny their questions. They are actually more interested in asking these kind of questions than asking English questions =X.

Currently I am trying to experience the different types of dealing with students...

1) Hard approach. They talk loudly, you shout louder than them. Use threatening words like "One more time you _____, I will submit your name to _____." while maintaining a prolonged glare and frown at them, preferably standing within 1 metre of their terrified faces.

Advantage: Instil fear in most students.
Downside: You lose your voice easily. And you need to do this quite often, contrary to your friendly personality.

2. Soft Approach. Single out a problem kid, bring him to outside the classroom or back of class, making sure no one is listening to what you are telling him. Then tell him empathetically in a hushed fatherly tone, "Do you know why I did that to you? Because you are giving me a reason to. If you behave, will I have reason to scold you? No, right? I also don't like to scold people. So, next time, don't do this again okay? Understand? Can it be done?" to the obedient nod of the problem kid.

Advantage: Some problem kids need this sort of treatment when the hard way fails.
Downside: They may roll all over you.

3. The Silence Approach. Once in a while, when the classroom gets too noisy, stand still and stop talking. Look at the back of the classroom. A few obedient and alert students will tell the class to "Shhhh!"

Advantage: No effort needed, the students help you do the job of controlling class.
Downside: Sometime they simply don't care!

Three cheers for teachers!!!

Across the Universe

I'm actually more interested in watching this show, a love story, more than any blockbusters like American Gangster or whatever. The power of the simplicity of a Beatles' love song is simply unmatched and altogether mesmerizing... so if this interpretation turns out well, it would be fantastic. But unfortunately there aren't many Beatles fans around, nor romance film lovers, and I have no girlfriend, so I am forced to wait for the DVD.



One of my favourites! "Girl"

Is there anybody going to listen to my story
all about a girl who came to stay?
She's the kind of girl you want so bad it makes you sorry
still you don't regret a single day.

Thoughts on Being a Teacher After Six Days

1. The environment.
The working environment was actually good. It was not as stressful as call centre environment, and not as mindless as a warehouse environment. So it was nicely in between. Teachers are generally helpful too, giving many tips on how to control the classes. Being a relief teacher means staying out of any possible politics, which is rather minimal from what I have observed so far.

2. The Working Hours
I don't think there is any job that has less working hours than a relief teaching one. I can go home as early at 1.30pm (start school at 7:20pm), though I normally leave at 2 plus, 3 pm. Was great, because it allows me time to do other things which I needed to do. It allows me to have a good two-hour afternoon nap, after which I could go for a jog. It also replenishes my energy at night; I could have my bible study for Charis, or do some studies on my own. The statistics prove it: so far I have managed to jog an average of 3 times a week, compared to zero (for the entire month) when I was working at NTUC, since I practically want to relax at night after a hard day's stressful work which ends at 5:30pm.

3. The Responsibilities
Of course, no point talking about these insignificant things if I fail to mention the job itself! I am taking two Secondary 2 Normal Academic classes and a Sec 3 Express class (presumably the best class in the cohort), in English. Basically that Sec 3 class is identical to my own class in Ngee Ann: smart people, most people talk very little and are shy, one or two jokers here and there, and you could actually talk on the same level as them. They are mischievous in a funny, non-disruptive way. However when I enter the N(A) classes, I find it difficult to control them. What is even more difficult is to instil a sense of learning attitude in them. Most of them do not seem to be interested in studying. I do not think they are worse or anything (they are actually more charismatic, humorous and creative people), but it seems that one has to creative and very, very patient in order to capture their attention and respect. So far I am paired up with a main teacher in the classroom, so I have not really taught yet. My responsibility is more to help the main teacher reinforce discipline, and help out whenever they are doing work, since apparently having a single teacher in the class is not sufficient to monitor the very disruptive class.

My friend and fellow relief teacher had wanted to quit after just 3 days. I've been trying to encourage him not to.

4. The Future
Of course, being a relief teacher had been a desire since I was in the army. I love the working environment, and though I struggle with the kids, I think experience and seniority will help. I think having an 'old face' or mature look will immediately send the right signal that the kids had better behave. And I think that's just the way it is. The way it is now, everyone can see through me: "Aiyah, just a relief teacher."

So will I be a teacher someday? I think it is possible. I have learnt from people that a chemical engineer's work is very stressful. And somemore it is a male-dominated environment. That's a definite no-no. :)

Wise Words From a Friend

Was linking to the links of the links of blogs of friends when I found one of my secondary school friend's blog, which spoke of exactly what my previous post was talking about... only much better.

"I guess a good point to note is that before you get into any relationship, you need to ask yourself. Do you know what you want in your own life? Do you know the purpose and goal of your life and the other party? Are you getting into this relationship out of loneliness on your part or truely out of love for the other party? And, do you love yourself?

It isn't wrong to desire for love from an opposite sex. In fact it's natural. And God did say its not good for man to be alone. But people are expecting love relationships to fufill their need to be loved. Expecting the other party to always be able to understand and meet all their needs. Nobody can understand you totally other than God. People are using love as an excuse of some of their ... foolish actions. "Oh.. love is blind!....ow...."

But with God we sing... " was blind... but now... i see ... "
Our relationships with our love ones are god-given, and they enhance our journey on earth. But they just don't fufill the void in our hearts that only God can fill."

Thank you for your wisdom, and sorry for plagiarising.

Be Patient and Wait for the LORD

One of my new year resolutions:

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
(Psalm 37:4-6)

How many of us are desiring to start a relationship? I guess some of us do. Some of us might be anxious in our singleness. Some of us are contemplating whether to court the girl or guy who makes our hearts beat. I guess, for myself, I need to focus on my spiritual maturity first. These things can come later. Trust in the LORD, and be patient, for His plans will unfold and come to pass.

Delight in the LORD first, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

A New Year

I think it is important to set new year resolutions, for myself. They force me to keep to it. I can still vividly remember the day I sat in church thinking about my resolutions, in a lesson by Boon Jin. That inspiring Jonathan Edwards lesson, still helpful to me to this day. I can still remember that day was only a few days before I enlisted into army. Time flies, and in a twinkling of an eye, 18 year old Derrick, fresh after his A levels has become a 20 year old man, now waiting for university.

Survive army physically, and survive army spiritually.

I am glad God has brought me through both resolutions. So today I went Popular to make myself disciplined. You can roughly tell what I am trying to do with the things I bought:

1) A schedule book
2) A notebook
3) 5 pens
4) A file
5) A calculator

More discipline for this new year...